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SPORTS SATIRE

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by Christopher C. Wuensch

A tributary blog of Prose & Cons

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Griffey Jr. XXL

Throughout his 21-year Major League career, Ken Griffey Jr. has feasted off a robust buffet of flat cheddar, ripe fastballs and hanging curveballs that dangle like grapes on a vine.

But now, Griffey’s hall-of-fame career is coming under fire this season as the Seattle Mariner designated hitter attempts to slice the 30-home run deficit between him and Willie Mays for fourth on the all-time list.

For much of his career, Griffey has ducked any allegations of using performance-enhancing supplements — perhaps due to his ability to captivate us with a sinuous swing, dimple-face charm and ‘go-get-‘em, slugger!’ mantra.

Conspiracy theorists are now pointing to growing evidence — mostly in the area where his six-pack abs used to be — that Griffey Jr. may not be as pure as once believed.

These critics base their supposition of his recent girth not at Griffey’s love of supper, rather on a theory called the “Barry Bonds Formula,” in which a once scrawny speedster cocoons into a behemoth of a slugger.

You be the judge:

Griffey — who’s packed on 30 pounds since entering the Majors tipping the scales at 200 pounds — declined to address the allegations, but did say that he spent the off-season working out with fitness guru and hitting Yoda, Tony Gwynn.